


Philosophy of Loss

by ElizabethWilde



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Drabble, F/M, Fluff, Romance, Xander POV, cuteness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-07-18
Updated: 2002-07-18
Packaged: 2018-02-03 12:50:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1745207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElizabethWilde/pseuds/ElizabethWilde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander is feeling insecure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Philosophy of Loss

Sometimes when I'm with Buffy, I can't believe she's with me, that she wants *me*. Then I look into her eyes and I know it's true. Maybe it isn't how she looked at Angel. I don't want that. The new look, it's all mine. That new smile? Mine too.

We've been together for almost a year now, and I think we might just make it. Granted, neither one of us has a very good track record: Cordelia, Angel, Anya, Riley. Pitiful, actually. Especially Dead Boy. But we're taking it slow. We didn't even... you know... until a few weeks ago. And may I just add, it exceeded all dreams and fantasies.

Now we're sitting alone together in the cemetery. Sure, it might not be the world's most romantic setting, but when we're leaning against a tombstone and her head is resting on my shoulder, it's paradise. I would give up an eternity alone for a minute with Buffy.

She looks up at me with those big, beautiful eyes and says, "Angel!"

Not exactly the romantic declaration I'd hoped for. "Buffy, I-"

"No. Angel." She points over my shoulder at... 

"Oh. Angel. Angel's here. Hi." Really let the enthusiasm flow.

"Sorry." He is every bit as tall, dark and handsome as always. Damn him. "I didn't mean to interrupt. Giles told me you'd be here."

"Yeah, patrol." Even though she's trying to play it cool, her cheeks are flushed, and the light in her eyes is all-too-familiar. It's usually there for me.

She still loves him. I feel it in her stare, in the way she's drawing away from me. If there's a God, you'll take this golden opportunity to smite Angel. Please? "So, what brings you here? Now? Isn't your fan club in L.A. now?" I'm being a jerk and I know it. Angel brings the ass in me to the surface every damn time.

As usual, he's using selective caring. My attitude doesn't seem to affect him at all. "I wanted to get a book from Giles. Rare volume on demonology. I just wanted to see you."

By "you," of course, he means Buffy. My Buffy. As in, the only woman I've ever loved Buffy. "You've seen. Don't you have brooding to do elsewhere now?" Shut up, Xander!

"Xander!" Buffy looks more than a little irritated. That can't be good. "I'm glad you came, Angel. It's been a long time."

"Too long."

"Let's get a cup of coffee and catch up. You coming, Xander?"

Oh, God, she doesn't want me to come. It's one thing wanting him here, it's another thing wanting me to not be. Of course, I won't be able to stand in her way even if I am there. "No. Go ahead. I'll be home." If you want me.

"Okay." She's already standing beside him. How many times have I watched them walk away together? Buffy and Angel, the perfect couple. What I wouldn't give for a nice sharp stake or a particularly bright sunrise! "See you later."

"Yeah, later." I can't remember the last time she left without a good-bye kiss. But there she goes. With Angel.

Sitting alone in my parents' basement isn't helping. I want Buffy here, curled up beside me, her delicate hands in mine. She's only been gone two hours, but I'm already falling apart. I can't stand being away from her for long. Especially since she's with him.

In my mind, I see them together. I see Buffy laughing and smiling, Angel using that tortured soul act to draw her in. There's a lot of history there, a lot of unanswered questions. I know she's always missed him. I should have known he'd be back someday. Dammit, why couldn't he fall for Cordelia and leave Buffy alone once and for all? I close my eyes and will Angel to disappear in a nice little poof of dust.

"Miss me?"

I can't open my eyes. What if it isn't her? What if my imagination just got the better of me? But I open them. "Buff!"

"You were expecting someone else?" She frowns at me, bottom lip protruding slightly in the sexiest pout I've ever seen. "You'd better not have expected anyone else."

"Of course not! I just... I just..."

"You thought I'd run away to L.A. and spend the rest of my life watching Angel brood?"

"Something like that." Sounds dumb when she says it. But it's *really* hard to care when she's crawling into bed beside me.

"Xander, you know better. I love you. Maybe seeing Angel brings back some heavy memories, but that doesn't mean I'd leave you. Ever."

I'm an idiot. "I'm an idiot."

She grins and starts unbuttoning my shirt. "A sexy idiot."

Now *that's* the smile I like to see! "I love you too."


End file.
